Show Me the Money

"That's more per hour than our lawyer charges."

"So than why not have your lawyer design your brochure."

Easter Explained

The Christian story of Easter goes like this: Jesus and his apostles have a last meal together on Holy Thursday. By Friday, he's been crucified and buried. On Sunday, his girlfriend finds that the body is missing, and later the apostles all see flames and Jesus speaks to them.

This is a story we've all heard before:

Some fraternity brothers go to dinner. That night, they throw a party, you know, a big old kegger [Jesus of course, notorious for turning ordinary Poland Spring Water into wine, was no doubt playing Wine Pong since a few barrels of water turned wine is cheaper than even Nattie Ice]. Jesus, being the big man on campus has a lot to drink. He passes out and chokes on his own vomit. In the morning, his fraternity brothers aka the apostles, find him dead.

Everyone knows there is no better way to have the authorities crack down on your parties than to have a body turn up in the basement of the frat house. So the brothers move the body to an undisclosed location. Rumors being rumors, word gets out that Jesus is dead. Jesus's girlfriend Mary gets back from a weekend at her mother's doing laundry and can't find her boyfriend's body.

That night, the fratrenity brothers all injest psychotropic mushrooms. They hallucinate rings of fire and their fallen brother Jesus talking to them. The rest is as they say, history.

Laundry: Common Chore or Profitable Business?

We've been doing laundry since about 9am. So far we've found $17 dollars in crisp, unmarked bills, and thats after just three loads. We have to wonder how much money wash and fold laundry services would find, and how much of that they keep.

But on to bigger things: Socks.

We counted 22 socks without a matching pair. No doubt some of these are somewhere in the great laundry livecycle, like in the dryer or hamper. But not all of these socks will find matches [perhaps they should use match.com]. This is why we advocate buying many pairs of the same sock. Interchangeable parts and all.

Just Like the New York Times, Only Better

We've mentioned before how we thought the New York Times was a lot more fun to read when they just fictionalized everything. So we figured we could do just as good as they did. We took today's Story regarding the subway system and edited for content ala Jayson Blair. The rules were simple: every word had to come from the aforementioned Times article; words are only deleted, not rearranged [that is to say, once a sentence has been deleted, there is no going back to use it later on]. Not only is this version a lot more fun to read and more accurate, its alot shorter.

Stalling Riders Are Screeching

A fire at Brooklyn snarled service on the Nos. 2, 3, 4 and 5 lines. The police said they were striking throughout the city in the past two months.

But transit officials insisted yesterday they were victims.

Lawrence G. Reuter, the president of New York City Transit dismissed on-time performance as an aberration.

"Any slight degradation is because of all the…stations, tracks and tunnel lighting."

A new computerized Mr. Reuter left six riders with minor injuries.

More than 60 firefighters worked out in Brooklyn filling a subway tunnel with Queens.

The recent disruptions have occurred at an especially sensitive time for the authority's executive director, Katherine N. Lapp. "I wouldn't want to presuppose that people should be happy."

Despite $40 billion in upgrades since 1982, Mr. Reuter offered an apology but insisted that having these types of incidents basically daily was a pattern developing.

Subway riders began paying more last month when the price of 7-day and 30-day fare cards rose.

Mayor Michael R. Bloomberg has aggressively lobbied to sell a new stadium.

Reuter said he would agree to postpone maintenance. No one had suggested he be more efficient and productive.

"I can sleep comfortably every night, every night!”

No Place for a Kid to be a Kid

Toys R Us is about to be sold off to the highest bidder. No doubt the folks in charge of one our former favorite stores thought this was inevitable as Wal*Mart encroached on its toy sales.

We've been saying for a long time that Toys R Us's biggest problem was that it just wasn't a good toy store. We've been to the Mega Toys R Us in Elizabeth-- a store the size of its neighbor, IKEA. And we've been to TRU in Times Square. Neither was very fun. We expected to be blown away by the action figure selection or by the choice of matchbox cars. Instead, we've seen better selections at Flea Markets.

A new report has vindicated Everything We've Said. The article cites examples like Best Buy that while not cheaper than Wal*Mart, offer better services, cooler products, and a better store.

Too bad Toys R Us executives were too caught up trying to sell the company to really compete.

Recent Reading

Over the weekend, a quick stop at the Strand yielded a treastured find: I'm Just Here For the Food: Cooking by Alton Brown. Alton is my favorite FoodTV personality; his exciting and fun cooking show Good Eats never fails to entertain.

Anyway, the book reads just like his show. That is to say, its fun reading and easy to learn about cooking while offering tons of tidbits I can't get enough of. Like the fact that salt is the most mentioned food in the bible. But don't be fooled, there is tons of other actually useful stuff too. The whole book is about heat and its application to food, so there is some real science there.

Meanwhile though, I haven't been able to stop reading, except for occasional "work" and "shower" [books after all, don't hold up in water].

But now I want to finish reading it and get the other books Alton has on Baking and Kitchen Gear.

Relevant:
AltonBrown.com

Peterson to Die, Schiavo to Live

Here's what we just don't get. The very same people protesting to "save" Terri Shaivo's life are very likely hopeing Scott Peterson's last breath contains some nasty gas. If all life is sacred, shouldn't Scott Peterson be left to a life of solitary confinement for the rest of his natural days?

Here's another thing. Terri Schiavo doesn't have some trust fund that her husband Michael can unlock when she dies. Why then would the man spend the last ten years of his life to trying to pull the plug unless he earnestly believed she would have wanted to die? Micheal Shiavo could have easily moved on with his life. Only love could motivate someone in such a way.

Meanwhile, Terri's parents have been the ones behind a push to reinstate her feeding tube. Sympathy is all they deserve. Certainly they are holding onto some false hope that Terri will (1) come out of her vegatative state and (2) be perfectly fine or at least, have the ability to be rehabilitated. While its a bit of hope, its likely neither will occur.

So again, we're still wondering, why is the state executing people but forcibly keeping others alive?

Revenge is Sweet

Bauer Publishing, Mandee's former employer, is mentioned in This Little Item.

Page Six mentions leaking information about the pending move of several employees who's computers were shutoff and escorted from the building. This was most likely in order to prevent them from deleting the highly prized PR contact lists that MBL, even in her brief stint in the magazine world, had amassed a sizeable number of. After all, the only way to get good free stuff or loads of gossip is to have the personal cell phone numbers of plenty of important people in the industry.

We're expecting that the people mentioned in the latest round of departures from Bauer publishing did the smart thing: backed up their harddrives before erasing anything of value. Of course, in the best Bauer Publishing stories, one doesn't hear about the editors who took their personal rolodex's home every night just to ensure they weren't stolen by the big cheeses on top.

In either case my love, I'm guessing that Susan Houriet and Patti Adams got the sweet revenge you wanted.

Who Does This?

During the dotcom explosion, sending electronic greeting cards was, like, totally all the rage, for like a week. The silly cards soon spread like a bad case of viagra spam, and every dotcom start up tried making it big in the eCard game.

After all on holidays like Valentine's Day and Mother's Day, nothing says "I don't really care enough about you to go to the store and find a card" then sending a free electronic card.

Well BlueMountain.com and eCards.com have solved that last problem: the cards aren't free anymore. Instead, users are required to particpate in the fee based membership program.

Now I understand that not everything can be distributed over the internet for free, and that everyone needs to make some money. But ecards, while a fun and sometimes funny distraction, are not exactly someone I would spend money on. In fact, to be blunt, I wouldn't spend money an ecard. I assume a lot of people feel the same way.

So as I said, I understand people want to make money. But since ecards have very little value, how do ecard businesses exist? Shouldn't they all have gone bankrupt already? WTF?

Catholicism Flexes Irrelevant Muscle

A high ranking Cadinal spoke out against The Da Vinci Code, the long running bestseller.

The Cardinal said of the Da Vinci Code:
"You can find that book everywhere and the risk is that many people who read it believe that those fairy tales are real,"

Funny, I was just thinking that about the Bible.

The film version of the book is expected next year and will star Tom Hanks. We're left wondering if Mel Gibson can take take Tom Hanks in a celebrity deathmatch.

Welcome to this Century

For whatever reason, we decided to spend some time shopping online today for clothing. This may seem easier than it actually is.

We had known that a year ago, H&M did not have a online store. We assumed this was because they had only really begun to expand in the US. But as it turns out, they still only have a fancy-pants flash presentation, no shopping.

Fine, we thought, we don't want your fancy European clothing anyway. So we turned to our good American retailers expecting capitalism to have shined. Instead, we were presented with messages like "See it here. Buy it in the store".

WTF?

It may have been innovative ten years ago to display a few of your in store items online and direct shoppers there to buy the items. Today, is unacceptable.

Besides H&M, Express and at least one other store we've already blotted out of our memory do not offer the option of purchasing their products through their websites.

Dear Clothing Retailers,
What ninety year old executive do you have making decisions about product distribution? Brick and Mortar stores are so last century. Stop fucking with my head.
Thanks.

Google Bombing Online Poker

Online Poker sites are notorious spammers not just in email, but also on blog comments. Our own Imperfect Now blog has been under a constant barrage because the WordPad software is common and Poker sites can set their robots to leave comments.

Some bloggers are fighting back by linking online poker to the Wikipedia article on the subject. So far, the Wikipedia article is third in google, first if Online Poker is in quotations.

Interestingly enough, Slashdot, the web geek news source has a good number of users who are writing against Googlebombing Online poker. Ultimately of course, these users are right. Googlebombing the online poker sites to drop one or two spots in google won't stop their spyware or pop up ads, nor will it really reduce the number of people finidng the sites through google.

One interesting post on slashdot mentioned a disclaimer they saw on a blog. Essentially, the blog owner stated that commercial links in comments were prohibited, and that anyone posting a commercial link would recieve a bill for $1,000 per day. If only I could collect, I would retire.

College Board Seeks Definition of Irony With New SAT

The new SAT's hit students this weekend. Students declared "its long".

"In California, [students] were asked to write about whether creativity has a role in the contemporary world."

Clearly, the answer is simply, "No." If there creativity did play a role in contemprary society, there wouldn't be an SAT.

It Was the One Armed Man, I Swear

Wired News is running an Interesting Article on identity brokers and the misinformation they sell. Identity thefts at ChoicePoint and Bank of America have brought the issue to media headlines across the country. Since my own Social Security card was stolen, its something of a personal issue for me to.

I have a few recomendations for reforming the Identity Industry:

Right To Know
Any credit agency, background broker, or other data collection agency should be required to make available the information they collect to the individual they collect the information about, for free, anytime, anywhere. If that is too much of a burden on their business model, they can get out of the business. Essentially, many of these businesses blackmail consumers into buying their own background reports to check for inaccuracies.

Who Know's What
Data providers should also have to report who has requested the information about an individual to the individual. As it stands, employers or credit granting institutions can turn individuals down without even telling them why; if an individual can see who has accessed their reports, then they will have a better understanding of why they were turned down-- and possibly be made aware of false information.

Make 'em Get It Right
Data brokers should be held accountable. If they include any false information in their reports, data brokers and credit agencies should be liable under libel and defamation laws. Consumers should have the right to sue the bastards for reporting false information. As it stands now, getting agencies to correct inaccurate information is a hassle.

Report All Thefts
Only California requires data brokers report thefts of data, and thankfully the ChoicePoint security breach included Californians otherwise no one would have known. Mandatory letters and phone calls alerting consumers of possible breaches can help keep people aware of potential threats.

Books & Shoes

Last night I decided it was time again to rearrange the bookshelves, again overflowing after three months of new purchases. First I organized the books into categories: Fiction [unread], Fiction [started reading, but didn't finish], History, Art History, Poetry, Drama, Lit Theory and Criticism, Literary Journals, and the 'all-sorts'.

The Fiction [unread] was alphabetized by the author's last name, and filled four shelves. The History, Art History, and Lit Theory and Criticism filled another two. Poetry is sharing space with the fourth shelf of fiction [unread]. The drama books, including dozens of production scripts and several hefty Neil Simon collections are behind the Literary Journals.

The All-sorts have been given a luxury box under the bed along with those nasty poli-sci books.

Finally, the Fiction [started reading], is piled at the foot of my bookshelf.

Sarah Jessic Parker's character realizes in an episode of Sex in the City that she cannot afford a down payment on her condo because she has spent all her money on hundreds of shoes. For me, I think its books.

Free France

France's resistance to Cowboy George's crusade in Iraq spawned all sorts of anti French sentiments here. Even one of our favorite watering holes, the Old Bay, threw out stocks of French wine in what we felt was a low attempt at publicity. [of course, it worked, and they made the front page of local papers].

Indeed, we thought the anti-frenchism that extended to federal cafeteria menus was simply wasting our time.

Anyway, there finally is a legitimately reason to hate the French. French courts have made it illegal to publish security holes in software. Yes, instead of requiring security firms to release bug free software, or to take responsibilty for their poorly coded wares, they have fined a man who published all sorts of security breaches after reverse engineering their products.

A similar case showed up in New Jersey's very own Princeton University when a sharp student figured out that holding down the shift key would circumvent anti-piracy measures on CDs.

In either case, this case is not the first where the French just don't seem to understand digital technology.

Several years ago, Yahoo! was sued over the sale of Nazi related items on its auction site. Yahoo! also lost, since France does not have any sense of Free speech.

Dear France:
We like your cheese and wine, just fine. But you don't seem to understand digital technology, so stop trying.
Thanks.

Hacking Proves Students Ready for Business World

About 120 students followed a hacker's online instructions to find out if they had yet been accepted to Harvard and about a dozen other top ranking business schools.

Harvard's Response was a resounding, "You're Fired!", Trump style, citing a lack of moral judgement.

We think that makes them perfect candidates to survive in the business world.

Upgrading My Computer

I finally decided it was time to upgrade my computer's RAM since for I only have 256mb, and also because Simcity 4 runs rather slow as I approach 1,000,000 people.

Anyway, I cracked open the computer last night to take a look, and then braved the ice and snow to get to CompUSA. However, the technicians at CompUSA advised that I would need to purchase my RAM directly from Dell. Dell computers it seems, has designed their hardware only with hardware from-- yep, Dell.

So not only will I have to pay a premium markup for the new parts, but I'll also have to wait a few days. Since I wasn't able to impulsively install the RAM, I may not upgrade at all and just wait a few months to get a new computer. Of course, when I do get a new computer, it won't be a Dell.

Dreaming of English Class

Last night I've had what is an on going series of dreams. In the dream series, I am going about my life but continually I'm enrolled in a undergraduate level literature course that as it turns out, I keep forgetting to go to.

In the earliest of this series from several months ago, the 'semester' is beginning to end and then I suddenly realize that my transcript says I am in this literature class, but have never been to it. I don't even have the books.

Subsequent dreams in the series have involved other activities, like going to work, or heading off to the beach. But still, by the end of the dreams I realize that I have forgotten entirely about this literature course and that it will leave a blemish on my permenant transcript.

Last night's dream was no different. Some folks we all know were sitting around talking about their pending engagement parties. But then, I realize that I have a final exam for this literature course that I've never been to and that I have to read a semesters worth of books. Yikes. Why won't it stop? What does it mean?

Don't Get Your Hopes Up

So it seems my recent post regarding one wayward internet surfer and their search for Rachel Ray Nude has lead to a whole bunch more folks looking for our least favorite alcoholic Food TV personality.

A naked Rachael Ray is an image we rather not have, and that leaves us wondering why so many people are obsessed with her naked body. I know the internet is alot like alcohol: nothing like a little digital anonymiy to tear down inhibitions.

So the only thing I can assume is that like golden showers or doggie porn, some folks have a sick fascination with Rachel Ray. But what is more of a faux pas, pictures of a woman impersonating Catherine the Great or fantasies about food TV personalities sticking carrots in places carrots don't belong?

Of course now I'm going to get at least one sick fuck stumbling across this page in hopes of finding "Rachael Ray golden shower".

On Drinking, and Dreaming of Taxes

The Mayor of Las vegas, considered a contender for Governor, told school children that if he were to be stranded on an island, he'd want A Bottle of Gin.

Even better was his response to a reporter asking whether he had a drinking problem:
Goodman answered, "Oh, absolutely not. I love to drink."

Pissing Fields, Volume 2

Dear Bald Man,
Resting your elbow on the privacy shield between our urinals is an inappropriate violation of my personal space. Please keep your limbs within the confines of your side of the privacy wall and we won't have any more problems.
Thanks.

Previously on The P.F.:
Old Man Refuses To Touch Himself; Fears "It Might Just Feel Good"

Best Google Search Referrer Yet

"food network rachel ray nude"

Rachel Ray may be a lonely drunk, but nude she is not.

And The Newest Member of the Queer Eye Team Is...

Boss: Do we really like that yellow?

Me: Do you mean the goldenrod or the mustard seed?

Google vs. Yahoo!

Yahoo! was once my favorite search engine. About three years ago I switched to Google, since after all Yahoo! was piggy backing off of Goolge anyway. Yahoo! just turned 10 years old but Google's stock is hovering around $180, so deciding which of the search giants is better off is a toss up.

While reading what is sure to be uninteresting to you, I came across this quote:

In short, while Google was busy becoming what Yahoo! used to be, Yahoo! has become what AOL should have been.

I own stock in AOL-Time Warner and have watched the price sag. I also passed up buying Yahoo! stock when it was under $10 thinking google was going to stamp Yahoo! into the ground.

Well as it turns out I use both Google and Yahoo!, but for different things. I use Google for searching, email, and Blogging. I use Yahoo! for stock quotes, movie times, maps, and apartment searching. But there is one thing that is more important than all of these services: searching for "Ian MacAllen". Yahoo! puts me in the top two spots, but Google beats that putting me in the top three. So Google it is.