Overheard At Cosi

Cosi outside of Union Square, 430 this afternoon:

"The conference was really diverse, there were people from Princeton and NYU. And not just ivies, state schools too".

Dear Blonde Girl,
I hate you.
Thanks.

Fun With Food

Last week we went out and bought Julia Child's Mastering the Art of French Cooking [Apparently, there are Two Volumes]. We don't have plans to do anything crazy like cooking all 536 recipes in a single year [this blog was once credited with being "hip" for blogging. We all know blogging is for dorks. So is cooking].

In either case, today we were messing around on Alton Brown's website; he's the host of Good Eats, one of the best Food Network shows. In either case, besides exploring things like The Bad Bug Book, the CDC's explanation of food born illness, we also came across the Gallery of Regrettable Food. Its a book. It chronicles the mistakes of food making in the 40s, 50s, and 60s.

If you don't want to buy the book, there are a few samples on the website. Our Favorites:

Peas and Gellatin
White Bread Party Loaf
Weird Star Trek Meatballs


And finally, in what is entirely unrelated, while searching for the Julia Child blog, we came across Blog Of Death. So it has nothing to do with food, but it needed to be mentioned anyway.

Feminists Objectify Women

In case you missed it on Fleshbot, there is a very interesting commentary on pornography. Caitlin Hall has taken the feminist anti-porn and turned it all around.

Porn lovers: 1, Feminists : 0

Chimps Not Very Christian

Watch out Jesus Christ, Chimpanzees won't turn the other cheek. It seems Chimps, unlike Republicans, have a sense of right and wrong.

During the tests, the Chimps would not forgive strangers, but were forgiving of family members and "friend" chimps. Next week scientists expect to demonstrate apes can perform brain surgery while living in primitive huts.

Really though, we're still waiting for monkey controlled robots to end our existance.

Its Good To Be Right

Months ago we laid out a scenerio by which Bluetooth enabled devices were infected with viruses that ultimately destroyed the world.

It seems we were right. Lexus has become the first car infected with a virus. Coincidentally, the New York times ran an article on Marcos Velasco who is credited with creating the first bluetooth virus.

We're Holding Out For Centaurs

Mad scientists have developed human - animal mutant embryos. Technically speaking these mutants haven't developed fully into a living creature, but that doesn't mean in the near future they won't.

So the next step is creating a theme park with living versions of the Harry Potter mmenagerie.

Cablevision

We recieved a call from Cablevision trying to sell us voice over internet phone service. Of course, we've recieved literally dozens of direct mail advertising on the subject. But we've made the switch to cellular technology and aren't going back. Why should we be tied down by a landline phone? In either case, we don't need cablevision calling to use our daytime minutes in an attempt to sell us something we don't want.

Dear Cablevision,
If we could get Time Warner, we would. Thanks for being usless.
Yours Truly.

Give Me Back My 50 Cents

Two days ago a fire at the Chambers street station crippled the A & C and leaving the MTA to claim it will take 3 to 5 years to restore service, leaving riders wondering WTF.

MTA has revised their estimate to a few months for the the 600,000 person a day subway lines. Still, WTF.

When the system is restored, it still won't be completely computerized, instead, relying on the system in place since 1904. The MTA says the new computerized system would cost billions. So WTF have you done with the 50 cent increase in per ride passes? Why are you considering further increases in fares if you can't keep the system running?

Michael Bloomberg is up for re-election this year and he should take the blame.

1. The fire was started by a homeless man who would not have set a fire to begin with had Bloomberg been more supportive of homeless shelters.

2. The homeless man who set the fire was in an area of the chambers street subway station off limits to the public; all he wanted was to stay warm. Imagine instead a terrorist actually trying to cripple the subway system.

So we want our 50 cents returned for every trip we've taken since the fare hike.

Things We Rather Do Without

One of the double monitors to our new super computer [this thing can control weather patterns over 3/4 of Europe] crapped out. So we were told to find out how to have it replaced, since its only been about a month.

First we called the vender, who kept us on hold, transfered us after we explained the problem, and then we were transfered again, back to the original phone line. We know we were transfered back to the first number we called because the "on hold" chat was the same droll voice telling us of the threats of spyware.

Finally, we threatened the guy on the other end of the line with death if he dared transfer us again. He gave us another number to call. But either because we were grumpy or because he was dislexic, the number was wrong and we had to call back. And we again were told about the dangers of spyware.

Finally we called the right number and after a few brief words were told how to exchange the monitor for one that works. All told we were on hold for about 50 minutes. We are frustrated, but then again, we don't really have much else to do.

Products Best Left for Dead

Hurt yourself cleaning up after the Blizzard of '05? With the all new Whovel you won't break your back while shoveling out. As the demo shows, nothing is better for removing two inches of snow. And its fun.

Have to go on the go? Women should never have to worry about dirty toilet facilities again with the Magic Cone. The magic cone is the portable, disposable pee assistant for women. You should be disturbed.

Books & Such

Last month we were spending a good bit of time reading Night Train by Martin Amis. We had found a used copy of the book at The Strand, just as we were leaving. We had exact change--precise to the penny-- in our pocket and took it as a sign. The book was a British version with pounds instead of dollars printed on the back. Since the book was small and fit in our coat pocket, we read it alot on the subway and on the PATH. It was enjoyable but unremarkable.

Then during winter break, at a borders, we bought The Information, also by Martin Amis. All of this Amis stems from Pat and Heavy Water. We've been reading Heavy Water for a few months now, a lot of which was while we were on a toilet in Cambridge.

In either case, The Information was a brilliant bit about two authors, one who is so mediocre, he is reminiscent of ourselves. He of course is financially successful while the other author is a complete and utter failure [also, reminiscent of ourselves]. In either case, Richard who fancies himself literary, spends the entire novel trying to destroy his said friend's sucess [again, we are reminded of the way things may be in the future]. We are rather jealous of Mr. Amis as a result of reading The Information; we can only hope to create such successful failures as he has created in the book. It was a good book.

And finally, ensuring that we don't need to worry about a literary career that is financially defunct, we read The Bridges of Madison County. Why? The book was written in two weeks, was a bestseller, and was turned into a major motion picture. If we could write a book in two weeks we would, let alone a best seller. It was much like the movie.

Newspapers Report Obvious

Life was back to normal again after the big Blizzard of 2005; The Daily Targum summed it up with the rocking kick ass headline "Snow Covers Campus". In what is not an "atypical twist", the story goes on to talk about the "plethora of snow that descnded upon the University". Zack Levine and Alex Savvides should be ashamed. After all, we are, and we only read the story.

Vote Joe

Joe Simpson, that is! The Patriarch of all too super fun sisters Jessica and Ashlee would make a great replacement for Michael Powell who announced his resignation from the FCC.

Joe Simpson has demonstrated his love for god, instilling in Jessica and Ashlee a sense of moral right and wrong. Besides, one way Joe Simpson could ensure complete and utter creative control over his daughters' television shows is by running the FCC.

Live, from Minneapolis, Its Thursday Night

We know what you're thinking: the phrase "drinking with Ian" means another night in New Brunswick, soiling your pants and fighting over the pullout couch. Well, apparently not. Now Drinking With Ian is a television show.

Our local reporter cites "sketch comedy" and "drinking" as the main highlights. Sponsorship by Pabst doesn't hurt either. We're left wondering: Why don't we have our own show?

Economic Recovery

At the high end, luxury emporiums like Neiman Marcus and Bergdorf Goodman, and, to a lesser extent, Saks Fifth Avenue, are recording double-digit increases in sales, as their shoppers display a seemingly insatiable appetite for $3,000 handbags and fur-trimmed tweed jackets. [source]

Its good to see war, poverty, and God haven't interfered with folks' ability to buy things. Our nation is headed in the right direction.

And You Thought the Post Office Had Long Lines

A few weeks ago, Sgt. Kevin Benderman filed for conscientious objector status after returning from Iraq. His unit was redeployed; he refused to go while waiting for the army to process his reqest. He is now to be courtmarshalled for refusing to redeploy.

Sure, a lot of troops don't want to go back to Iraq and and they all refused there would be no army. And Benderman refused a direct order. But here's the thing; if Benderman can be ordered to redeploy before the army reviews his application for conscientious objector status, nothing obligates them to review it at anytime. Accept it, Deny it, but review it before redeploying the man. If bureaucracy bogs down Benderman's application, that's the Army's problem, not his.

Show Me The Money

A court ruled Marvel owes Stan Lee ten percent of profits from recent films; this amounts to millions of dollars coinsidering the $2.7 billion dollars the movies earned worldwide.

Marvel lawyers stated:
"We intend to appeal those matters on which we did not prevail and to continue to contest vigorously the claims on which the court did not rule," source.

And please folks, don't download movies off the internet. It hurts the artists. The starving artists.

Inauguration Day Jokes

Americans never make the same mistake three times.

There's one good reason the president hasn't been assassinated: Vice President Dick Cheney.

President Bush started pushing for a constitutional ban on gay marriage when he was told he could only get a third term with a constitutional amendment.

Meanwhile, the chinese are sending a two man capsule into space this year while Pennsylvania students are being taught 'intelligent' design.

Friday Night Lights

Drinks, women, and christmas lights: we're not talking about your christmas morning when all you really wanted was a shiney new hotwheels playset but actually recieved a Mr. Coffee. We're talking about the party on Friday night.

A week before people were expected, the attic was turned into a "lounge" with the addition of Christmas lights and beer pong tables. It took our housemate 3 days in the post post-christmas sale world to come up with enough lights. He then braved fiberglass insulation and an old bird's nest.

We had two kegs and 15 liters of hard alcohol. [well, some of that alcohol was brought to the party by friendly folks wanting to make a good impression; or by some folks, as it turns out, who wanted to prove how Jersey they were and brought "Bottled in Edison, NJ"]. We served wine. There were chips. It was a party.

One guest was dumb enough to park in our driveway over the sidewalk. This is a no-no, and you should know that. The police spent five minutes in front of the house writing a ticket for the car. He then asked us, in a friendly capacity, to keep it down, just so no one would complain. Of course, no one was going to complain, since our neighbors all fear deportation.

Baghdad Boy on Boy

First there was was gun powder. That lead to the atomic bomb. Now the military wants a sex bomb. The gas would cause enemy troops to love each other on the battlefield in a bit of uncontrollable homoeroticism. Just imagine such a device in the hands of terrorists; headlines to read: "Baptist Church hit with Aphrodisiac Bomb; Minister Reverses Stance on Homosexuality After Performing Sexual Relations with 23 Male Congregates"

Wrinkled and Drunk, There She Sat

MSNBC is running an interesting article on the top, topless beaches that has a bit of an interesting history lesson. Life magazine editors are credited for ignoring photos of the fad in 1964:

"This is a family magazine, and naked breasts are only allowed if the woman is an aborigine."

They might have a point: we frolicked in the waters off the coast of Italy a while back. Since we were poor, we enjoyed the public, free beach in Ostia-Lido outside of Rome.

We enjoyed sunbathing on our towels. The old drunk italian lady next to us enjoyed laying out on newspapers. She was topless. She was wrinkled. We were scarred.

Career Choices We All Want

A job counselor suggested to 13 year olds that stripping could be a lucrative career path, particularly for those with large busts. And why shouldn't he have? Not only can strippers make $250,000 a year, but don't worry, you won't be outsourced. It also sort of puts a new perspective on take your daughter to work day.

Bad Apple: Not Just For Celebrities Anymore

Just when you thought the names celebrities give their children have gotten out of control, an ordinary couple comes along and totally out does them.

Baby Yahoo, so named because that's how his parent's met, is a trademark infringement lawsuit waiting to happen.

People I Hate, Vol I

Gas Pumper Retards
Pumping gas is so easy a five year old high on chrystal-meth could do it. While I'm grateful that New Jersey requires all stations to be full service, how about hiring people more suitable for pumping gas than being hog fodder.

Please, put my fucking gas cap back on my car. There are three steps to pumping gas: 1. Putting the nozzle in the hole [like sex with your dirty, dirty girlfriend]. 2. "Pumping" the gas from the pump. 3. Removing the nozzle and putting gas cap back on my fucking car.

You fucked up 1/3 of the process. And you call yourself a professional. The next time a homeless person asks you for money, you should offer that person your job. No matter how insane they are or physically handicapped or simply not that intelligent, they are more qualified then you to pump my goddamn gas.

This message was brought to you by the 7-11 gas station on the corner of Orient Way and Route 17 in Lyndhurst, New Jersey.

Oh Monica, Oh Monica

Stepping out of the men's room we saw a woman pass by that looked like Monica Lewinsky-- or at least what we think Monica Lewinsky should look like. Of course Monica is never showing up in some second rate suburban office park in Lyndhurst, but its interesting to think about if it actually was her.

We feel bad impugning the reputation of this random woman we passed by the hallway, but if she cared [which we doubt, since we don't know who she is, and there is a greater chance the earth is destroyed by a meteor than her (a) discovering this blog and (b) putting two and two together], then we are sorry: but don't dress like Monica.

Fog You

This morning we were awoken to what we thought were the vibrations of our cell phone. Then we realized that the thing was turned off, and in fact, the noise we were hearing was a fog horn from New York harbor. We thought that was the stuff of legends.

We thought the commute to the office was fog filled joy-- but not nearly as bad as the 200 Motorists who piled their cars together.

Fog is no laughing matter.

Ringwood-ette

Small town New Jersey strikes again: another post about Austin Scarlett.

I may be the only one that this truly resonates with, but yesterday I saw Austin Scarlett from Project Runway on Waverly just east of Sixth Avenue. As usual, he was looking rather proper and Edwardian. His hair was longer than it is on the show.
from Gawker

How many celebrities can there be from one small town? We're going to push the evnvelope, we think. We hope.

Fear itself

Not much has changed in a new Gallup Poll, except the Fear Factor.

Question #9 " How worried are you that you or someone in your family will become a victim of terrorism -- very worried, somewhat worried, not too worried, or not worried at all?"

For the most part, over the last three years, there are roughly the same number of worry worts-- between 35 and 39 percent of respondants said they were very worried or somewhat worried. Interestingly enough, though not particularly suprising, the "Very Worried" spiked by 8 points.

The January 2004 poll had 5 percent of respondants saying they were Very Worried. By the middle of October [two weeks before election day], that number was 13 percent.

What changed? President Bush was talking about how terrorists hate our Freedom. [it sort of reminds us of someone else] Perhaps Americans grew concerned as the election approached, that terrorists, hating our Freedom and Democracy, were going to strike close to election day. After all, what better way to attack freedom then to postpone the democratic process.

Or more likely, the barrage of hate and fear spewing like diarrhea from the mouths of Bill OReilly and other members of Foxnews probably didn't help either.


And finally, even better, questions on what meathods of torture are acceptable or not accetable are followed directly with questions on how much people will grieve over the possible cancellation of the Hockey season. Sorry, we didn't even notice Hockey season should have started already.

The Voices In Your Head

As it turns out, we might all have voices in our head: our cells might just communicate through a morse code type system, turning genes on and off, as needed.

The obvious impplications of this development would be more precise drugs; cures for major diseases would be only a few years away. Such a discovery could very well be on the scale of the double helix, the x-ray, or penicilan. Years from now, people will look at drugs today as we look on to leaches.

Auto Signs

Instead of a static bumper sticker, we'd like to see some sort of digital signage for cars that would have a variable message. Drivers could switch on different messages based on need. For instance, instead of the usually "Shit Happens", drivers could employ several of these:

"Learn to Drive, Buddy"
"That was a red light"
"Get the fuck out of my way, asshole."
"Have a nice day"

The signs could display the same message in several langauges so even when foreign drivers were on American roads, they would still be able to understand the message. All this would prevent many hand injuries as drivers would no longer need to extend their middle fingers. Also, vocal chords would be protected.

Auto signs could be placed on all four sides of a vehicle to communicate with fellow drivers on all sides of the road. Additionally, signs in the front could also be displayed so as rear view mirrrors could display the message. Each of the signs would display a message independently of the other signs so as to allow the driver to direct different messages to different drivers.

The whole system could be voice activited allowing the driver to concentrate on the road.

We think an Auto Sign system would be very popular in areas with high congestion. Interested manufacturers should contact us by the email located at the bottom of the page.

Xanadu

Get ready for the biggest bungle since the 4th Crusade. Xanadu, the new redevelopment project by the Mills Corporation for the Meadowlands is possibly 30 days away from construction.

We were skeptical of the entire project from the beginning. After all, years ago we remember Donald Trump proposed a plan to build a Monorail. [And half a dozen other failed ideas]

In either case, after the Sports and Exhibition authority agreed to Project Xanadu, they were sued by a firm with a rival proposition: The Mills Corporation built malls and Xanadu was just another mall for Bergen County. The rival firm produced a video where they interviewed "Guests" at a similar-to-Xanadu facility in Maryland; every patron described the place as a mall.

The S&E authority claimed they wanted more than a mall; they wanted an family entertainment zone. They were of course describing a mall since in New Jersey, suburbanites can only be entertained in a mall. But as it turned out Xanadu was to contain an indoor ski slope, water park, and other such luxury joys. There was to be office space, and of course, above all, shopping.

The entire project came about because Sharpe James, the mayor of Newark, is also a long standing State Senator. [Seperation of powers means nothing in New Jersey. Many legislators hold two or even three elected offices]. As a state Senator, James convinced everyone that building a new arena in Newark woul dbe a great way to expand the five blocks of safety in a city wrought with crime. There are some streets even the police won't go down-- in daylight.

Building an Arena in downtown Newark isn't such a terrible idea. Most of the New Jersey Transit trains traveling to New York pass through the city, as well as the PATH and numerous buses. Mass transit of course is a great way to move people to a sports game since by the very nature of such an event there are large numbers of people arriving at the same time and then leaving at the same time. Newark is also centrally located with good access from the Turnpike and the Parkway--

The only trouble is getting suburbanites who are willing to venture into Newark. The new arena should have an even larger base of fans to draw on. The lackluster ticket sales have been attributed to poor location and an aging facility. No one thought it was because of the skyrocketing price of tickets or that hotdogs cost $6.

Xanadu then would be an entertainment zone without sports teams playing at the arena, only the stadium. Of course, the Jets and Giants are both threatening to leave, so there may be no professional sports at the Xanadu. So that leaves office space and the shopping mall. But the shopping mall isn't very good.

In order to win the project, Mills Corp had to prove that the project wasn't a mall. So they watered down the mall with a lot of other useless crap that no one will visit. Five years after it all opens, the Mills Corp is going to claim they aren't making enough money and will need to expand their retail component-- essentially turning the whole project into the mall they always wanted.

The Mills Corporation is handing over a small portion of very sensitive wetlands as part of the Xanadu project. To further prove how environmentally sensitive the project will be, NJ Transit will be building a connection line on the Pascack valley train line, so visitors to Xanadu can arrive by train. The trouble though is no one can get there by the Pascack Valley line--it doesn't run on weekends and it only runs towards New York between 5 am and noon, and only runs away from New York between 1pm and 8pm. Visitors would be stuck there ALL NIGHT.

So the next time you pay your state taxes, just remember all the fun you'll be having at the Xanadu.

Private Parts

A few months ago, a New Jersey Piano instructor had been arrested for filming his students while they used the bathroom. After all, his students had an expectation of privacy that his video taping violated.

Meanwhile, camera phones are being banned from locker rooms and showers; people's right to privacy is cited.

Yet, a federal appeals court has just decided that a man and woman in a unisex bathroom together Have No Right To Privacy. [Though we have to wonder why these good folks were too stupid to flush their drugs]

The next step is putting security cameras in bathrooms. Just remember the next time you whip your cock out, someone might be watching. [As if that was new].

The Model City

So a post featuring The World's Smallest Violin lead us to wonder what other tiny things Google could find for us. We were intrigued by a model making company: check out their model of Makkah City. We've been told by architects that well crafted, handmade models can start in the range of $100,000 to $150,000. We see why.

One little extra we'd like to point out: check out the photo on this page. The model people are even dressed as arabs. How fascinating.

Domestics

As we said earlier, we got a new washer before paying our rent this month. As it turns out, its not so much new as it is new to us. Its accented with, believe it or not, some avocado green trim. Since its been about 8 weeks since we've done a proper load of wash, we had a lot. Have also.

We did 4 loads this evening, and have plenty more to go. Some notes however: the washer leaks and so we left a tiny river streaming down the basement floor. Additionally, leave to beaver to have set up the hot and cold water intake improperly. To prevent shrinkage, we usually wash our clothing on cold / cold.

We opened the washer to find our clothes were steaming. Yes, steaming. At least this washer drains the water thereby relieving us of the task of picking through dirty clothing water and wringing out our shirts before they can be placed in the dryer.

We were not just doing laundry this evening. We buzzed around the kitchen washing dishes, too. But more exciting [at least, to us], we re-arranged the space above our cabinets to provide cleaner, more convienent storage space. We're domestics.

We accomplished all this while watching Dinner Rush which can be best described as a B-list celebrity blockbuster, but that as it turned out, was rather enjoyable. And involved a kitchen. And the dialogue included the words from the cooking lexicon such as Sous-Chef. Amazing.

South Jersey Township Trys to Avoid Ridicule

Fake sounding township Beuna Vista New Jersey rejected offers from Paris Hilton to film part of a Simple Life episode.

Beuna Vista didn't want their town to be ridiculed. The irony of course is that they are from South Jersey, which is ridiculed even without Paris Hilton.

Sommerville Police Blotter

Apparently, we accrued a parking ticket from the Sommerville Police at 9:51 am on Friday, November 12, 2004. Sure, we were in MA. at the time, but here's the problem. [Besides of course, there not being a parking ticket on the car].

Non-permit vehicles have 2 hours to park in the zone, 8 am until 6pm [or 8pm, but it doesn't really matter, we're talking the AM]. The ticket was issued supposedly at 9:51 am. Well, we're sorry to report, that's 9 minutes short of when the ticket could have been issued.

Now of course, some of you may recall how early we woke up to move the car. We were out the door pretty early. Indeed, we're pretty certain the car was in the Pharmacy parking lot by 9:45 where we were buying a toothbrush, and at 9:51 we were probably in the Carberry's buying pastries.

We hope the Sommerville police burst spontaneously into flames since they are clearly the Devil's spawn.

Knives Kill

How many times have you sized up a location for defending a flag? Would that grassy knoll make a good place to snipe some Teddez? Holy auto-aim batman, it turns out playing video games can lead us to thinkwe're still in them.

Maybe this explains why I don't think twice before taking out a set of steak knives and hurling them torwards unsuspecting squirrels.

Flaggy flag.

Dear Old People

You're all fucked.

The administration aims to carve out private investment accounts for younger workers using part of Social Security payroll taxes, while curbing guaranteed benefits that the federal government has promised future retirees, the report said.


Enron. Tyco. AOL-Time Warner. Our future looks really bright.

Software Companies Stick It Where the Sun Don't Shine

Sometime a year or two ago, a Princeton researcher was able to undo anti-pirate technology music companies were employing to protect their CD's. As it turned out, holding down the shift key undid the six figure copyright protection software. He was sued.

Now a software company is trying to have a Harvard researcher jailed for "cracking" their anti-virus software. The company is suing Guillaume Tena and claiming he infringed on their copyright when he published academic papers exposing flaws in their software. As it turns out, users might get better virus protection having unprotected sex with a Dutch prostitute then useing the Viguard antivirus software.

Viguard like most software packages probably had a software license that Guillaume Tena had to "accept" before installing the software. No one ever reads software licenses, but they come with every piece of software a user installs. They read something like this: user agrees that any error in the software is their problem, not the problem of the software maker; user agrees not to modify the software, even to fix the mistakes that we, the software company forgot to make; the user will not talk about fight club.

Essentially, software licenses are meant to indemnify software makers from any harm that might come to your computer for installing the software. Refusing to agree to the license prohibits you from using the software.

If cars came with these licenses, it might read something like this:

Thank you for purchasing your vehicle; Before starting your new vehicle, you must agree to the following conditions:
1. The brakes on this car may fail at any time for no reason, and you should be aware of this.
2. In case of fire, do not operate vehicle; vehicle may catch on fire while you are operating it, in which case it is not our fault because we warned you.
3. The left rear door on some vehicles may not lock allowing intruders to easily access your vehicle's contents, or steal your vehicle. Never leave valuables in your new vehicle for this reason. We are not at all responsible for theft of your vehicle.
4. You cannot modify your vehicle at all. You may not make repairs to the vehicle, even if we forgot to install a part. In most cases, the part is not necessary. Tinkering with the car is illegal and we will prosecute you. After all, we send you a monthly bill, so we know where you live.
5. You are the only person allowed to drive this vehicle. Other members of your family will have to purchase their own vehicles.
6. We own your child.

Credit Cards and Other Offers We Can't Refuse

Apparently, Rutgers College has sold our personal information to Mastercard. We keep recieving special offers for credit cards that send a portion of our purchase to our Ala Mater. We're still pissed about our experience there so we won't send them a nickel.

And since we've been thinking about all the trees turned to pulp in attempts to sell us this card with no annual fee, we decided the addressed, postage paid envelope should not go to waste.

We mailed Mastercard an orange Post-it. Just one.

We're looking forward to sending out more responses to credit card inquiries.

It's Official

America, the book, may turn out to be one of the greatest books of our generation. The book has been officially Banned from several libraries. Now all Jon Stewart needs is for Bill O'Reilly to burn it in a pyre to solidify the book's place as one of the greatest.

We recieved two of these for christmas; Our Great Uncle was rather befuddled by one of the sidebars suggesting the president was tattooed after taking office with the seal of the president.

Multi-colored Bracelets, Part II

It seems the post we had a few weeks ago on Livestrong Bracelets has been hugely popular in google. Our favorite search engine keeps sending us numorous hits with people trying to find out what we said.

Well, it caught our attention and we figured it was time for a follow up.

We suggested that instead of buying cheap braclets to fight cancer, people should stop cheating on their taxes and encourage the government to under take a cure for cancer. After all, the Manhattan project moved us into the nuclear age in a little more than three years; the least we can do is persue a cure for cancer with as much energy.

The other thing we'd like to say, and didn't last time: we came across knock off Livestrong braclets being sold at the local 7-11. We know they were knockoffs because no where did they say Livestrong or Lance Armstrong. They were just yellow rubber braclets wrapped in plastic packaging.

We think this is a new low, even for con artists. To steal money from people who think they helping cure cancer is pretty much the worst thing you could do. Except of course for the folks we're certain are buying the 7-11 knockoffs knowing they are knockoffs, and that they simply want one of those hard to find bracelets so they look cool.

Its rare that we'll ever recall a bible / church story. But there is one parable our catholic priest told us years ago that has stuck. It goes like this.

A poor woman and rich man come to church every day. The rich man drops several metal coins into the poor box every day. The coins clink in the poor box and everyone in the church turns to see the rich man giving money to the poor box. Then one day, the poor woman finds a big paper bill on the ground. The money would feed her for a week. Instead, she slips the bill into the poor box.

The point of this story is: not only is the poor woman giving up more, proportionally, then the rich man, but she dose it without making a fuss. She doesn't really care whether the congregation knows she is contributing to the poor box whereas the rich man does his best to insure that everyone knows.

We think Livestrong bracelets are alot like this scenerio. People aren't wearing the bracelets because they want to help people with cancer, they are wearing the bracelets because they think the bracelets are trendy. That's the wrong reason.

Instead of buying a pink bracelet to fight cancer or a yellow bracelet or whatever other color is being sold, why not simply give directly to a charitable research organization? If you are really concerned, make donations directly to Breast Cancer Research Foundation which the pink Target bracelets also benefit.

Should Have Shipped FedEx

While we were off during Winter Holiday, UPS attempted to ship us a package. Three times. Despite the fact that the UPS man comes to the office complex at least once a day and often more [We're after all, located in the same building as the world headquarters for This Company], they refused to deliver our package to the office after their three attempts. Had they attempted to call our office, UPS would have recieved the long term away message telling them about the office being closed.

So in either case, we were sent down to the Secaucus UPS shipping center to pick up our missing package. Secaucus may be best known for the despised transfer station we frequently transfer at. It may seem surprising that a train station is the preeminent feature, but its true. The next best thing are the warehouses.

When we finally made it through the suburban ghetto, we found the "shipping center" was really a basement room in the bottom of a giant warehouse. And even though there were plenty of commercials this holiday season promising that shipping packages via UPS was hassle free, we stood at the back of a 8 person line.

Normally, 8 people shipping packages would only require a few minutes to weigh their boxes and take their money. As it turns out, it takes 9 minutes and 27 seconds. We know. We timed it. And some people were trying to ship more than one package.

Thankfully, before we decided to start throwing things, reinforcements were called from the backroom. The whole experience left us with the sour taste we used to get when we tried picking up packages Here. Next time we'll choose FedEx.

America's Favorite Show Is Sued

In the past, we've chastized you for watching Fear Factor before, and have even written Fake News stories. But now it seems the tables have been turned.

An audience member of Fear Factor is Suing your favorite show for $2.5 M. He claims rats being tossed in a blender crossed the line-- but he's ok with contestants eating worms. We think you get what you deserve.

The real question, how scared are NBC executives?

$40 A Day

Food TV is of course one of our favorite television networks [wow, three posts today on television, amazing!]. The other night, Rachael Ray was out and about in Europe. Luckily for her, the show was filmed a few years back while the Euro was valued at less than the dollar. Her forty dollars was equal to a little less than fifty Euros.

Now a $1 is equal to EURO 1.30.

Meanwhile, we just read an article in the times about Korean Shipbuilding. The United States, a former leader, accounts for less than 1% of the shipbuilding market now. On top of that, many Korean manufacturers have been faced with a Steel shortage as the growing Chinese economy has exploded. Ohio once made steel.

Summary: The United States no longer makes boats or the steel for boats because American labor costs too much. Eating for $40 a day in europe just got harder because the dollar isn't worth as much as the Euro.

Wait a second! That means the Euro can buy American boats and American steel for less Euros.

Yes. That's right. President Bush is doing his best to make American goods more affordable in Europe and Asia by making the dollar less valuable. Don't get too excited just yet, my young Republican friend. This is not a good thing.

Sure, it may seem like a great day when the local steel mill is turned back on or when the shipyard starts building another ship. But if the wages earned by the those works buys less, then it doesn't really matter, does it.

Would you rather be king in Somalia or would you rather be poor in the United States? Even if you are king, you still in fucking Somalia.

Finally, TV for Me

We were rather excited by Jon Stewarts Appearence on crossfire some time ago, not just because we're fans [like giddy school children]. Stewart criticized CNN for not reporting enough news, specifically in primetime. CNN was trying for a while to be like Fox News and give slanted opinions of the news rather than actually report the news.

We've come across this problem a lot lately; since we often have been returning home after the Nightly news and are frankly not interested in news magazine shows like Dateline, we really were in need of a prime time news source. Let's face it, talking heads yelling are not particularly interesting. And while we appreciate MSNBC's re-runs of the Apprentice, it hardly qualifies as news [in most circles].

Well CNN is coming to our Rescue. They've fired Tucker Carlson and will be returning to actually reporting the news [which we thought a Cable News Network should do anyway]. The last few weeks of Crossfire might get a ratings boost as news deprived youths wait for the return of a prime time news source.

Meanwhile, the next step is getting MTV to actually play music videos. Its not that we want to ruin Some People's lives, but we think a Music Television station should have something to do with, well, music.

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An anti-lawsuit group has Awarded the products with the best warning labels.

Perverts Go Portable

Just in case you didn't already have a reason to stick your hand down your pants while riding on the subway, Playboy will be releasing Pictures for viewing on ipod Photos.

Sadly, getting the nude images will cost a monthly fee.

Fruits

Fruits we like:
Pear, kiwi, watermelon, grapes, apples, pineapple

Fruits we dislike:
Oranges, grapefruits, bananas, honeydew, most tropical fruits

We're going to do our best to eat more fresh fruit, because its healthy.

Who's Not Watching Your Daddy?

Apparently, the over hyped Who's Your Daddy? was a Ratings Dud. Adoption advocates had been arguing the show was degrading to adopted children, and tried getting Fox affiliates to refuse to run the show. Only one station didn't air the program, and now it looks like they had the right idea: Who's Your Daddy? came in 4th for its time slot.

We were intrigued by the concept, we'll admit, but we still did not go out of our way to watch. Frankly, this may have been the problem for most Americans.

Could it have been Family Values keeping the viewers away? Not likely. If shows like Fear Factor can be rating winners then surely a show based on bringing a family together does not undermine family valus.

Fox has done a pretty good job spinning reality shows into something interesting; take for example Joe Millionaire. Lie to a bunch of money grubbing women? Perfect twist to the "Date/Marry me" reality show. Then of course there is My Big Fat Obnoxious Boss: another spoof reality show. [of course we're still waiting for fox to pull a fast one on the audience].

In either case, Who's Your Daddy seemed like it could have been worth watching, if only we cared enough to watch,.

As if Late Trains Were Not Enough

Just in case we didn't already have enough reasons to despise New Jersey transit, one of their buses decided to sideswipe my headlight. The last six inches of NJ Transit bus with plate 0XX7557 scraped along six inches of the side of our black honda civic sheering off the headlight. The driver didn't even stop, so I guess we're the victim of a hit and run.

Grilled Cheese

We love grilled cheese and so when we saw a commercial for uncrustables, a grilled cheese version of the pre-maid PB&J sandwhich, we had to go buy them.

They are better than hot pockets.

They even taste grilled.

But they are small. Slightly bigger than a hockey pock, these little guys are not very filling. I had two and a tomato soup.

This is not to say they were not delicious. But 150 calories needs to fill me up, not make me ask for more.

Because You are Stupid

CNN is talking about "liberal" professors and "conservative" students entering into conflicts on campus.

Conservative students are claiming that their views are being suppressed by professors. Wait. Some wet back high school graduate has an "opinion" that differs from a middle aged PhD that not only has a college degree but then spent another 5 to 7 years learning to be smarter than an 18 year old schmuck who doesn't even know what evolution is?

Certainly we're not saying people shouldn't question authority. But at the same time, you need to accept the fact that sometimes, some people know more than you, and their difference of opinion may stem from the fact that they know more than you, and you are wrong. This is what we call "You are stupid".

Blame China

Last year, one of the world's largest government projects began to finally take shape when Three Gorges Dam in China began filling with water. Tapping into three major rivers, the Chinese hope to generate electric power, control flooding, and build a fishing industry. Critics of course, have not been silent. Not only were hundreds of thousands of chinese relocated by the project, envorinmentalists have claimed the rising water will do more damage than good.

And then there is the weight.

Water is heavy; really heavy. Before the Chinese began filling the resevoir, geologists suggested the weight of the water might be great enough to shift the tectonic plates. After all, no man made project has ever been of the scale of Three Gorges.

Then, roughly a year after the Three Gorges begins filling up, a major 9.0 magnitude earthquake is released in the Indian ocean sending tsunamis halfway around the world.

The Pacific Ocean has a system of bouys that tracks potential tsunamis before they strike land. The Indian ocean lacked such a system, partially because such events were not expected to occur there.

Could the recent filling of the three Gorges Resevoir be the cause of the massive December 26th earthquake that sent 20 foot high waves to places as far away as Africa?

The Three Gorges is not expected to be finished until 2009; with four more years until the massive resevoir is filled to capacity, there is still alot more water to go.