Oh My, The Button Fly

We recently took a little excursion to buy a few new pairs of jeans. After all, there actually is a finite number of days one can wear a single pair of jeans without washing them. We refuse to comment on the complete duration of our little experiment.

In either case, we were rather dismayed to discover that the first three pairs of jeans we tried on at the GAP came with the dreaded button fly. Our first reaction was that we had accidentally wandered into the women's section. The fact that the jeans were labeled in inches rather than obscure, random numbers denoting approximate guesses of how the jeans may fit reassured us that we hadn't unwittingly become part any androgenous fashion trends.

Nope. It appears that the zipper fly is fast becoming so last century. But what we don't quite understand is why anyone thinks buttons are a good idea for mens' flys. Men have a hard enough time matching up the buttons on a collared shirt. Now fashinonistas want us to button up five or six buttons over our crotches. Its fine to spend tend minutes attempting to button up your crotch in the privacy of your bedroom, but not in public restrooms.

Just imagine standing in front of a urinal trying to match up the right damn button with the right hole while on either side of you are two other men swinging their cocks around, looking over at you wondering why you're still standing in front of the urinal with both hands figeting with your crotch buttons. Only the other gentlemen standing on either side of you have zipper flys and don't understand that you, being the sensitive guy you are, have a button fly. No, they think they've caught you imitating Paul Ruebens while they stand there attempting to go about their business.

Meanwhile, all you want to do is get the fuck out of there before somebody calls the police and you have to explain to them, "no officer, I wasn't fondling myself, I was just trying to button my fly closed." So instead of ensuring that all the buttons are securely fastened, you make a hasty departure. But because you're a man and buttons really aren't your thing, you've misaligned the holes. Now you're either incredibly uncomfortable or might come spilling. Either way, you're now regretting that somebody in the fashion determined that button flys are the in thing.

We searched through the store until we found ourselves the what could be the very last pair of zipper fly jeans ever made. Our only hope is that by the time we worn these to the conclusion of their usable life, someone will have figured out the button fly is not forward think men's fashion.