Easter Explained

The Christian story of Easter goes like this: Jesus and his apostles have a last meal together on Holy Thursday. By Friday, he's been crucified and buried. On Sunday, his girlfriend finds that the body is missing, and later the apostles all see flames and Jesus speaks to them.

This is a story we've all heard before:

Some fraternity brothers go to dinner. That night, they throw a party, you know, a big old kegger [Jesus of course, notorious for turning ordinary Poland Spring Water into wine, was no doubt playing Wine Pong since a few barrels of water turned wine is cheaper than even Nattie Ice]. Jesus, being the big man on campus has a lot to drink. He passes out and chokes on his own vomit. In the morning, his fraternity brothers aka the apostles, find him dead.

Everyone knows there is no better way to have the authorities crack down on your parties than to have a body turn up in the basement of the frat house. So the brothers move the body to an undisclosed location. Rumors being rumors, word gets out that Jesus is dead. Jesus's girlfriend Mary gets back from a weekend at her mother's doing laundry and can't find her boyfriend's body.

That night, the fratrenity brothers all injest psychotropic mushrooms. They hallucinate rings of fire and their fallen brother Jesus talking to them. The rest is as they say, history.